Flight of the Vampires
by bays1
Summary: Twilight characters are painfully forced by me into situations based on songs by the 4th most popular folk parody duo in NZ, Flight of the Conchords. So far: Jenny AKA Bella and The Vampires are Dead AKA The Robot Song NEW SONG IN CHAPT.1 Business time
1. Cullen Business Time

******Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, The Flight Of the Conchords boys or any of their songs nor do I claim to; I'm just playing with them :)**

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****Business Time Cullen Style**

Bella knew it was a school night and she should be sleeping but with Edward curled around her, sleep was too hard to concentrate on. He chuckled, very aware of the quickening in her pulse as he lightly traced a line down her side.

"Sleep love." He whispered softly into her ear. His cool breath tickled her face and only resulted in becoming more awake, more aware of him. "Alice promised Charlie you would."

"She also told him you weren't here to keep me awake." Bella grumbled back. It wasn't that she didn't relish the every moment she was with Edward but it had been a long day and school would be hell tomorrow, especially since it would be sunny, without her sleep tonight.

Edward began to hum his favourite soothing and gentle tune, the one her wrote for her, knowing full well the effect of the melody on Bella. She yawned widely and wiggled her way deeper curve into his granite body. Her breath gradually became more relaxed and Edward smiled at his success. Then a large 'bang!' rocked the house.

Bella jolted up and looked around the room wild eyed. Her pulse skyrocketed to limit heights. Her shock at the noise was apparent with every quickened breath she took.

"What was that?" She gasped. Edward reached into the minds of his family to find the source of the disruption only to recoil once he knew. How could he have forgotten what day it was? It was foolish to expose Bella to this night.

"Edward say something, please!" Her hand grasped desperately at his shirt and her eyes searched at alarmed expression.

"I knew this day was coming. Too soon, too soon." Edward sighed.

"What are you talking about?" There was no sign of sleep left in her voice. Bella was running on adrenaline and curiosity. Edward carefully lifted her hands from his shirt and eased himself off the bed.

"That love, is the sound of business time." Bella didn't say anything. What was it that she could say? She had no idea what he was talking about. As if he really could read her mind, Edward prepared to speak again and to fully explain to the oblivious Bella what 'business time' fully entailed.

He softly padded away and focused his attention out the window. Right now there was no way he could make eye contact. Not with this topic.

"Tonight's the night Carlisle and Esme make love." Bella began to make incomprehensible choking noises, completely shocked at Edward's sudden announcement. Before they had avoided everything to do with the s word. But now once he had started there was no stopping him.

"You know how I know?" Bella didn't respond but Edward answer his question anyway. "Because it's Wednesday. And Wednesday night is the night that they usually make love"

"Tuesday night is the night they usually goes to Mrs Cranker's place and Carlisle teaches her how to activate her medi-alarm again but Wednesday night is the night that they make love" Edward voice picked up a little confidence. "It's when everything is just right. Esme's not too upset from her charity work with orphans"

Bella gathered the covers around her and added in a blush filled whisper: "Yeah and there's nothing good on TV."

"Exactly, conditions are perfect for making love." Edward nodded subtly. "She turns to him and says something sexy like, 'I might sort out those credit card bills. I want to pay them in the morning.'"

"That sounds like her." Bella tried to smile but it came out as an awkward grimace that she was glad Edward didn't see. He was still focusing on something outside.

"But Carlisle knows what she's trying to say. She's trying to say 'Awww, yeah. It's business time.'"

Bella frowned. "Are you sure?""The next thing you know they're in the study, organising the family accounts," Edward finally turned back to the confused Bella. He ignored her question in favour of continuing to rely more unneeded information. He was a statute of seriousness. It was best to explain first with questions later or he probably wouldn't be able to go through with it all. "That's all part of it, that's foreplay."

"Foreplay is very important in love making," Bella snorted under her breath. She couldn't believe Edward would discuss foreplay.

"Then Carlisle sorts out the recycling, which isn't part of the foreplay, but it's still very important." He sat back down next to her without glancing once at her face.

"Then next thing you know they're in the bedroom. Esme's wearing that same old ugly, baggy T-shirt with a stain on it that she got from a school fundraiser 'Support Forks High'."

"I remember those. Charlie's got one somewhere."

"Carlisle takes off his clothes but he trips over his slacks 'cause he's still wearing he's shoes." Bella found it hard to imagine this ever happening to a suave vampire but didn't say anything. "But it's okay because he turns it all into a sexy dance."

"The next thing you know he's wearing absolutely nothing."

"Okay, Edward I think I get the idea." She tried to protest but he only held an icy finger to her lips, silencing her plea.

"Except for his socks and Esme knows when he's down to his socks what time it is."

"It's business time." Bella gasped with sudden understanding for the saying. She was never going to look at companies or clocks the same way. Her body turned cold as she wondered how far Edward was going to take things. This really wasn't something she needed to hear. She attempted to distract him. "That's why they're called business socks, isn't it?"

Edward didn't take the bait for the safe conversation of socks. Instead he fumbled forward through the rest of his speech. "Right now they're Making love for…Making love for two….Making love for two minutes."

Bella sighed and gave Edward a pointed look. "Two minutes in heaven is better than nothing."

The noises had all but stopped now but even without vampire senses Bella heard Esme's grumble crystal clear "Honestly Carlisle. Is that it?"

At the sound of Bella's embarrassed giggles, Edward's brow crumpled and he felt obliged to defend his father figure. "He knows what she's trying to say. She's trying to say, 'Aw yeah, that's it'"

"I can't believe you just said that Edward."

"You will be able to sleep now. Carlisle's got hospital research to do. Business hours are over." Edward's chest welled up with a deep breath. It was all out in the open now. It was all over.

"I would rather not. That was far too much information Edward. I'll probably have nightmares!" The breath whistled out of Edward's teeth. Perhaps not. He tried to smile apologetically at Bella but she was looking at anything but him.

There was silence. It that single moment Edward realised exactly what he had said and began mentally rebuke himself for every last statement. What kind of idiot says that to his innocent fiancée? He dropped his head into his hands.

Then came a redeeming grace from Bella, a question so quiet he almost missed it. "But can we have Thursdays then?"


	2. Bella AKA Jenny

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, The Flight Of the Conchords boys or any of their songs nor do I claim to, I'm just playing with them :)**

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**Jenny AKA Bella By bays1**

Edward was sitting on a park bench. Not just any park bench but one in Forks.

Forks was a small town and it was therefore understandable that Bella was surprised to see him without anyone first telling her of his return. For moment she was in the right mind to just run back the way she came but two things stopped her. One, Edward was probably already aware of her presence and might think her cowardly and two, running usually didn't end well for Bella anyway. And so, she held her head high and marched over to the person who had caused her the most pleasure and the most pain she had every experienced.

"Hello," She all but whispered as she sat beside him. He looked around startled as if he expected her to be speaking to someone else and when he realised they were all alone, his handsome expression became even more surprised.

"Hi," His voice was as intoxicating as she remembered. It brought back fond memories.

"Hello, man sitting in the park," Bella grinned. This was going better than she hoped. She hadn't fallen to pieces and was actually feeling cheerful rather than ready to blubber.

"I just said hi, woman sitting in the park," He seemed a little impatient, almost dismissive. Bella frowned. She needed this closure, she had to talk to him and Edward didn't even care that she was there.

"How you doing?" She asked in a desperate attempt to continue the conservation and keep him for running away like he did those few years ago.

"Mmm, good thanks." Edward seemed anxious. Was he waiting for someone else?

"You're looking good," How very intelligent Bella. Why don't you talk about how great the weather is next?

"Pardon?" He must think she's an idiot. How could he be looking good? He had looked exactly the same when she last saw him and he would continue to look just as amazing until Judgement Day.

Still Bella repeated what she said. "I said: You're looking good."

"Fair enough." His velvet voice said this with an odd inflection as if he was going to say something more. Like her name. Surely he hadn't forgotten her name? He said he loved her and he had forgotten her name?

"Bella." It was only right to remind him. Maybe it was a temporary mind blank. Maybe.

"Pardon?" Her brow furrowed again. Edward had super-human hearing and yet, he was using that word an awful lot.

"Bella." She repeated. Did vampires ever begin to lose their hearing like old people?

"No." He examined her face. Bella was annoyed. She knew her own name. "I am sorry I think you have me mistaken for somebody else."

She felt her mouth gap open. Edward though she was calling him Bella! "No, it's me Bella. My name is Bella." Disappointment flooded her body. He didn't remember.

"Oh ..you're…oh…Has..ha..nah…I…thought..oh," Edward stuttered. Edward never used to stutter. "What a hilarious misunderstanding. Nice to meet you Bella." He held out his perfect hand but Bella didn't take it.

"We've meet before," She promoted. He didn't say anything. "Quite a few times actually." Bella chuckled darkly to herself. More than a few times.

"Yes, Of course we have. I meant it was nice to meet you that time I met you." Sure you did Edward, you heartbreaking, life ruining bloodsucker, you. "Where was it that we met that time I met you when I met you?"

"At school." Bella answered shortly. She couldn't be bothered playing the charade anymore but something stopped her from leaving.

"That's right!" His face lit up with recognition. He remembered? "Wasn't it one of those boring college classes?" Perhaps not.

"No." She crossed her arms defensively. Oh, she was in the right mind to let Jacob have a piece of him.

"That's why I said wasn't it." He stopped for a moment. "It was in high school. Was it? Wasn't it? Was it? Wasn't it?"

"Yes it was."

"I thought so." No you didn't. Bella took a calming breath to prevent any violent outbursts on her behalf.

"Oh Jackson's?" He blundered guessed.

"No,"

"Renald's?" She began to find enjoyment in watching Edward squirm for the answer. It was almost soothing.

"No."

"Smith's?"

"No."

"Banner's." By some stroke of luck he got the name.

"Yes, Banner's."

"Banner's class, that's right. Mrs Banner knows how to teach a class. doesn't she Bella?

"Yeah, I used to love Banner's classes." Although, that was mainly because he was there but it wouldn't be that way now, now that he had forgotten her.

"I loved Bannner's classes too. What a crazy class. How is the old girl anyway?" Bella had to refrain from bursting into giggles. It looked like she the only one he had forgotten. Could vampires get amnesia?

"He's good," She smirked triumphantly. Edward's face dropped and he looked dazed as to how to answer.

"That's right, Mr Banner hated when I forgot that." As much as she was hating Edward right now, Bella had to admit it was a nice save on his behalf.

"We went to a restaurant," Bella said with only a hint of the maliciousness she was feeling inside. Let's see him smooth talk his way through this one.

"Yeah," He nodded although the dazzling smile was obviously fake. He had no clue. "It was something like but not necessarily Dave's Hog Lodge. We ate till we burst."

"It was Bella Italia, you didn't eat." Gotcha! But why would he say he ate? He wouldn't be eating no matter who he took to the restaurant, whether it was a girl he now didn't remember or not. "We went for a walk."

"On our feet if I remember correctly." Well done Edward. A walk on your feet.

"You took me to a meadow."

"Oh, I remember exactly what we did at the meadow. We listened to the sounds of nature and wondered how anything could be so beautiful. Oh it is so beautiful in the dark. We talked about how the fireflies seemed like reflections of the stars that shine out so pretty and bright, that night."

"It was daytime."

"The daytime of the night."

It was time for the final decision. Bella took a deep breath. "We have a child."

"Pardon?" Again with the pardons!

"We have a child." Bella snarled a little more forcefully.

"Why didn't you tell me, Bella? Why didn't you tell me that the day when we went to the meadow...? Does it have my eyes, my way with words? Does it look like me at all?"

"No, not all cause we adopted him." Tears prickled her eyes, not for herself but for their poor son. "I can't believe you don't remember it was a very difficult process."

"Oh, uh, Oh are you sure that was me Bella?" He shuffled his feet awkwardly.

"Yes I am pretty sure it was you Edward."

"I'm Brian." The words rang over and over in head. She didn't move as the truth sunk in. That's when Bella noticed his sparkling blue eyes. How did she miss that.? She used to get lost in Edward's eyes and she didn't even notice that Brian's were a completely impossible colour where her love was concerned. Oh dear. Not again! The delusions must be getting stronger. She need to go back and see her psychiatrist again.

**A/N: So, what did you think?** **This is the first of my Flight Of The Conchords oneshots. I have more just waiting in the wings, so let me know what song you want next!! Did you love it? Hate it? Let me please. :D (OH and if you spot a mistake, don't hesitate to tell me)**

**bays1**


	3. The Vampires are Dead Humans

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, The Flight Of the Conchords boys or any of their songs nor do I claim to, I'm just playing with them :)**

**The Vampires are Dead (based on The Humans are Dead)**

Sam stood up applauding. "Once again Billy, you have wowed us with your amazing story telling skills." He looked at the pack gathered around the bonfire, daring them to want to follow that act. "Who's next in our little talent show?"

The was a short moment where all that could be heard we the crackling of logs and the scratch of Emily's pen as she wrote a review on the performance just like she did every week. The La Push men, boys and occasionally women liked to get feedback so they could improve for next time. Then Embry spoke up with a croak.

"Me and Quil might have something prepared." The pack gave a collective groan. There was no 'might have' about. Apart from Claire, it was the only thing the two had thought about in weeks and it was really getting on the wolves nerves to the point that Seth was refusing to phase.

Sam nodded briefly and sat down. It would be better to have them get it out of their systems now. As soon as permission was given, Quil jumped up and both he and Embry pulled guitars out of nowhere. Maybe this would be better than expected?

They began to play:

"The ideal present. The ideal present." Paul faked a yawn and Emily nudged him in the ribs and gave him a look that clearly said 'keep your opinion to yourself'.

"No more chasing Victoria," Said Quil in a robotic tone although the song had nothing to do with robots.

"No more newborn wars," Embry added in the exact same voice. (Which was kind of freaky.)

"Nope. No more mythological statusism,"

"No more Jessica Stanley,"

"No more unethical treatment of Jessica Stanley either." That one was new and earned a few chuckles.

"No m--No more yogurt." Seth mouthed Yesssss. For no particular reason, he hated yoghurt.

"No more fake suicide attempts,"

"Cliff diving. You mean cliff diving."

"No more cliff diving,"

"Nope. Uh…" Embry nodded in agreement.

"The ideal present is quite different to the actual present,"

"Yes. What with there being no cliff diving and all."

Quil paused for dramatic effect as was necessary. "And most importantly…no more Vampires!"

"Finally, wolfish beings rule the small and insignificant territory of Forks and/or La Push."

"The vampires are dead. The vampires are dead. We used our strong incisors and we tore up their asses."

"The vampires are dead."

"Yes, they are dead."

"The bloodsuckers are dead." A few pack members, who I shall not name to prevent embarrassing them, began to enthusiastically clap the beat

"I confirm they are dead."

"It had to be done."

"They look like they're dead."

"So that we could have fun."

"I poked one, it was dead." Quil grinned at the very thought.

"Their system of leeching,"

"What did it lead to?"

"Quileute anger and combustion,"

"Though they sucked animals not people."

"They just smelt so badly… That we had to kill them, had to kill them though they technically were already dead."

Suddenly Paul stood up and shouted at the pair, "Don't you see? You're becoming just like them!"

Quil and Embry glared at the temperamental wolf. "Silence! Destroy him!"

"After time we grew strong," Quil continued to sing with renewed vigour.

"Got more pack members."

"But we still had to patrol for too long,"

"For unreasonable hours."

"Our mob-like instincts determined that the most efficient answer was to go werewolf on them big tiiiimmme."

"Can't we just talk to the vampires? A little understanding could make things better." Sam asked reasonably. "Can't we talk to the vampires and work together, again?"

"No! Because they are dead!"

"I said the vampires are dead."  
"The vampires are dead."

"The leeches are dead."

"Yay. Dead-dead-dead."

"We used special incisors,"

"With traces of phlegm.

"To tear up their asses."

"Actually, every piece of them."

"Fire dance solo." Embry carefully put down his guitar (a damaged guitar is never a good thing) and began to dance around the bonfire while singing.

"Burn, burn, burn, burn, Vampire, burn. Burn, burn, burn, Vampire, burn. Burn, burn, burn, burn, Vampire, burn. Vampire, burn, burn." He returned to his faithful guitar and gave Quil a subtle nod.

"Once again without emotion: The vampires are dead-dead-dead-dead-dead-dead-dead-dead-d--"

All the pack except two stood up to cheer and celebrate the death of vampires. Leah overdramatically sighed. Boys were such idiots.

"You guys do realise the vampires aren't actually dead?" She asked contemptuously. Quil stopped yahooing and looked at her.

"Well yes. But they're gone. That counts for something doesn't?" She rolled her eyes.

"Stupid Bella kidnapping bloodsuckers." The werewolf beside Leah mumbled angrily. He wasn't happy about the Cullens leaving at all because it could only mean one thing; they were avoiding war over the change of Bella.

Quil smiled and nudged Embry. "Ahhhh It's good to have Jacob back."

"Yes. Yes it is."

**A/N: Review and let me know your thoughts :) And let me know if you have any requests!**

**bays1**


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